Augie Doggie:Plant Pest
by Generation X-er
Summary: A continuation of the carnivorous plant episode


Augie Doggie  
  
Plant Pest  
  
  
  
One fine morning, Augie Doggie started off for school. His best pal Carnie went with him. Carnie was an African carnivorous plant that Augie had especially grown in his do-it -yourself lab. Carnie had caused some problems at first, but had finally adjusted to life in cartoon suburbia. The only trouble was that now Carnie was nearly gorwn-up-or whatever it is that approximates adulthood among carnivorous plants. He was still Augie's friend, but was becoming harder and harder to feed. In fact, by now Carnie was nearly the size of Augie's Dear Old Dad, who was becoming less and less fond of Augie's friend, the bigger Carnie got. This was just as Augie had feared.  
  
Once, for example, Augie's Dad had refused to give Carnie second helpings, and Carnie had bitten Augie's Dad on the posterior, the moment his back was turned. "Yeeeeoooow!" yelled Augie's Dad. Augie came rushing up "Carnie! Carnie! Shame on you! Let my Dear Old Dad go -now! Carnie, suddenly looking shamefaced, released Augie's Dad, who fell to the floor and yelled "Ow!" again. "Are you okay, poor injured father of mine?" Augie inquired. "I am, as soon as I get bandaged up." replied Augie's Dad. "But I think Carnie will have to be sent to arboretum, Augie my son, my son." "But you can't send Carnie away." Augie insisted. "He's family!" "Then he had better learn to behave like it."  
  
"But Dear Old Dad! I'll make sure Carnie behaves! I'll make a model citizen out of him, you'll see!"  
  
"Well, see that you do, son of mine, or out he goes!"  
  
Augie, noticing how tearful Carnie now looked, patted him on top of what passed for his head. "Don't worry Carnie! Dear Old Dad didn't mean it!  
  
"Oh yes he did!" said Augie's dad, and he slammed the door.  
  
Carnie began sobbing, and Augie took out a handkerchief, and blew the plant's nose. "We've got some work to do, Carnie, but I'll make a model citizen out of you in no time! That'll show Dear Old Dad."  
  
So after a day of teaching Carnie lessons in good manners, Augie prepared to take Carnie to school. This was a very special day. It was science project day, and all the kids in Augie's class were supposed to work on a science project, and share it with the class. Augie could have whipped up almost anything for a science project, but since Carnie had been one of his home experiments, he decided to use him. Most of the kids had already met Carnie, but now had had a chance to tell everybody all about him.  
  
Augie's school was a typical elementary for cartoon suburbia. His first- grade class was an ethnically mixed on of human children and assorted funny animal kids, mostly young cats and dogs, with a few other species. During the class presentations Augie sat quietly with Carnie on the floor next to him. Some of the other kids had already become nervous about Augie's friend since he had grown, and had backed away from them When it came Augie's turn, he took Carnie up to the front of the class. Augie cleared his throat, and began explaining. "This is my best friend Carnie. He is a rare species of African carnivorous plant. I grew him in my own laboratory that my dear old dad got for me last Xmas. You wouldn't believe what a great pal he is!" "Er...that's nice Augie." the teacher said. "But I'm afraid Carnie has gotten a little too big for you to keep bringing him to school." "Why do you say that?" Augie asked. "Because he's eating my desk!!" the teacher screamed. "Augie! Make him stop!" Augie saw with gasp that Carnie really was eating the teacher's desk. His huge, saw toothed jaws were chomping through the wood. Half of the desk was already vanished down the plant's throat. The kids were excited and nervous. Woah!" cried a little bulldog in a backwards cap seated in the front row. "Carnie!" Augie admonished. "Stop that! Now!" Carnie stopped eating, and spat out the portion of the teacher's desk that was still him his mouth onto floor. It was now a pile of crunched-up wood. Carnie sobbed, realizing he'd been bad again. Augie whipped out another handkerchief and blotted carnies tearstained face. He then allowed Carnie to blow what passed for his nose with a loud bleat that sounded like a horn. "Carnie is very sorry," Augie apologized. "Please don't be mad at him. He was only hungry." "Hungry indeed!" exclaimed Augie's teacher. "Take that plant home Augie! This instant." "Yes, ma'am." Augie replied, his head bowed. That evening, Augie's Dear Old Dad. had a serious talk with him. "Augie my son, " said he. "This is the very last straw. The teacher called and told me everything the happened to-day." "But Dear Old Dad-" "Don't "Dear Old Dad" me this time, son. That plant is a menace. He has got to go." "Oh no!" cried Augie in dismay, his face with his right arm "I can't believe it. My very own dear old Pop-a plant hater! Oh, the shame, the shame!" "Augie my son, you sure know how to make a guy feel not-so-swell. But that won't work this time either! That plant has outgrown this neighborhood!" "Okay, Dear Old Plant-hating -type Pop." sobbed Augie. "But I'm going to miss him so much!" "Don't take it so hard Augie my boy. Well, take him to the best arboretum we can find." At that very moment, the downtown museum had just been robbed. The Queen's Eye jewel had been purloined by one Fingers McGee. Police sirens were blaring as they raced to apprehend the culprit. After the squad cars rushed past, Fingers stuck his unshaven face out of a mailbox. "Ha!ha!" chortled Fingers. "Fooled 'em again! No one can catch Fingers McGee!" He pulled out the Qeen's Eye Diamond. It was a huge thing, bigger than Fingers' head, a clear multifaceted crystal that shimmered with myriad scintillations. "The Queen's Eye Jewel is mine! Now to slip it away and find a place to hide out till the dumb coppers are gone!" He slipped the fantastic jewel into a small black handbag, leaped out of the mailbox and ran off. It was after dark by the time Fingers had found a place to hide out. He was far away from the museum, in a typical suburban peaceful neighborhood. "Ahha! A typical peaceful suburban neighborhood! Those stupid coppers wouldn't of looking for me here! And there's a typical suburbanite-type household, just waiting for me!" Fingers ran up the driveway, past the mailbox, which read Augie Doggie and Doggie Daddy, pried up a window, and hopped in. "I'll hold up here for the night." Fingers said slyly to himself. "Then by tomorrow, I'll be miles away with the Queen's Eye Jewel! Hmmmmm. Might as well see what kind of loot they've got around here while I'm at it." He crept into the living room. Then up the stairs. He pushed in the door to Augie's room. When he saw the pup lying there snoozing in his bed, with sports posters on the wall, he said, "oh, the kid's room. Guess there's nothing valuable in here." He shut the door. Fingers crept stealthily down the hall, and pried open a second door, this one to Augie's laboratory. When he saw the expensive chemistry set with the spiral tubes, and shiny beakers, he thought "Hmmmm! Ought to be something of value here somewhere! He crept into the room on tiptoe, a nasty smile on his face. What he didn't know was that Carnie, who had been snoring quietly in the room, dreaming plant dreams, sensed his presence. The holes which served as the plant's nostrils throbbed and heaved, and then Carnie came awake. At once he noticed the intruder, and, using his leaves, stealthily crept up behind Fingers. "Now what do we have here..." Fingers was saying as he examined Augie's chemistry set. Then all once he screamed as Carnie bit down hard on his unguarded posterior. "YEEEEOUCH!! HALP! HALP!!" Augie was awake in an instant. He ran into the other room in his jamies, and was astonished to see Carnie holding a man by the seat of his pants. "Kid!" yelled the outraged Fingers "Get your !@#@!*%# plant off me! NOW!!" Augie gasped. The man was using language he's never heard before, that was never supposed to be used in cartoons. He seemed very, very angry. "Carnie!" admonished Augie. "Shame on you again! Trying to eat that nice man!" But to Augie's dumbfounded horror, Carnie didn't let fingers loose. Instead, he tossed the enraged burglar into the air, caught him in his mouth, and swallowed him in a loud gulp. "Carnie!" gasped Augie "You..you couldn't have!" But then Carnie spit Fingers out onto the floor, sticky with plant mucus. Then Carnie spit out Fingers' briefcase, and out popped the mammoth jewel. It landed squarely in Augie's hands. It was then that Augie realized just what had happened. Then Augie's Dad appeared in the doorway. "What is going on here?" he demanded. "Oh, father-of-mine!" exclaimed Augie. "Carnie just caught a jewel thief!" "A jewel thief? How to we know this poor man's a jewel thief, mixed up son-of-mine?" "I have proof right here, perplexed Papa!" exclaimed Augie proudly. He held out the jewel. The facets of the vast diamond shimmered and winked. It was nearly the size of Augie himself. "Wow! That is one jewel of a jewel, my son, my son! But what makes you think he stole it?" Just then there was a voice on the radio. "Attention! We have an important news bulletin! Fingers McGee, notorious jewel thief, made off with the famed Queen's Eye Diamond today, and is still at large. The police are offering ten thousand dollars for the capture of this felonious felon, and the safe return of the jewel." "Hear that, Dear Old Dad?" cried Augie "Ten Thousand dollars!" "That's right, ten thousand dollars." The radio answered. "So if you can catch him, come to the town hall for your reward." So the next day, Augie stood in the town hall in front of an audience of police officers. The chief of police was speaking from a podium. Fingers sat nearby in a striped shirt and handcuffs, a disgruntled look on his face. "...and so, for the safe capture of Fingers Mcgee, and the return of the Queen's Eye Jewel, the Fraternal Order of Police is proud to offer Augie Doggie his reward of ten thousand dollars!" the chief of Police concluded. "Here ya go, kid." He handed Augie a very thick bundle of green. "Oh, thank you most generous officer of the law," said Augie. "But it's not really me who deserves this!" "Oh? Then who does?" chuckled the police chief. "Carnie! He's my per African Carnivorous Plant! He's the real hero!" "Well," said the police chief, half-amused. "I really don't know what an African carnivorous plant would want with money!" "Oh, not to worry, most generous officer! I know just what to do with it!" When Augie got home, his Dear Old Dad asked him, "So Augie, have ya decided how to spend your ten thousand smackeroonies?" "You bet I have, dear old pleased-as-punch Pop!" Augie whipped out a huge, succulent T-bone steak. "We won't have to worry about Carnie eating up our house anymore!" he tossed the steak to Carnie who chomped and gulped it down with much relish. "Heheheheh" Augie's Dad chortled fondly "That's muh boy!"  
  
FIN 


End file.
